maybe I do

I wish I knew someone
whose mind danced like mine does

I wish I knew someone
who set me alight

I wish I knew someone
who knew how to know me

I wish I knew someone like you.

much, much

I just realized
that I’ve been pretending like
I care for so long

I had forgotten
how much harder it is to
pretend that I don’t

she and I

I’m made up of every me
 that
I have ever been
including the one who once thought
she loved you

I hold her memories
I hold her heart
I know her sorrow, her unfiltered pain
I know the why behind every single choice
she ever made

and I see her foolishness
her stubborn trust
how she looked at you
the way she pictured us
and I can still feel
through the thrum of her heart
what it used to be like
to need you

we were once one
but we aren’t the same
so don’t be a fool and mistake my strength
for weakness

what have I done?

you tried to burn it and

burn it you did but

it didn’t disappear

it only dissipated

fire to ash, fell to the earth

but smoke to air, now it’s everywhere

you thought this was better

you thought this would work

fire to ash and smoke to air

but now it’s everywhere you look

and you can’t even see it.

this is strength

It’s golden, this haven
I wrap it around me
it glows as it settles
it fits like it knew

the shape of your arrows
so sharp and narrow
I don’t recognize them
I poise to fight them
but this gleaming solace
will not let me go

it won’t let me send them back like I want to
(in moments of weakness I’m just like you)
it won’t send them flying back
won’t let them breed
it won’t let them pierce holes of you into me
instead it just shines, so bright that I’m blinded
and they disappear
the hate unrequited
the pain that it brings goes unfelt by me
in my golden peace
I no longer see

your poison arrows
your blackened bow
raised with intention
your precious weapon
all that you know

I pity the thoughts inside your head
that see only darkness.

so which will it be?

I soak it up now
lizard sprawled in the heat
the warmth a reminder of
how cold my bones
like shivering drums
they were, they are, they beat
loud they become when I forget
but not for long.

I fall to the rock like
gravity
without it I shake
I shiver and beat
the warmth I remember, the work and the heat
but cold asks for nothing and
doesn’t mind me.