And I was a prize you won ’cause I let you
again and again and I
didn’t know then
that I’d never get you the way that you had me
you had me, you had me
you had me so wholly
your eyes wrapped around me
your lips would control me and I
didn’t know that your heart couldn’t hold me
I didn’t know it would never know me
never want me
never be
anything but a lack, you see
I was the prize you won ’cause I let you and
you never knew
never knew what you had.

you knew too

I hold you in my hands
  (but something about the shape)
I hold with all my might
  (it doesn’t fit, it isn’t right)

Mine because I hold
Want because I have
I try to raise you up but the weight
it’s not enough and far too much
  (but mine, but want)

I hold you in my hands
but they know
and they can’t.

timeline of us

a friendship born from proximity

built by convenience

sustained by ease

grown with laughter and lightness and trust

grown into something true.

picked apart by speculation

broken down by complication

tossed aside by the space between us and

sentenced to death by time.


waste of $10

You know how we listened to all those new songs over and over on the way to the game, and how on the way back we listened to them again, and you steered and shifted with one hand so you could hold mine with the other, and we put all the windows down and the air rushed in and battered our faces as we sang, and I stuck my bare feet out the window and drew shapes with my fingers on your palm and drilled that moment into my mind, the song and the wind and our hands and the dark; and then we made plans to see each other again and every time I heard those songs a thrill rushed through me, and then the plans fell through and I tried to make more but you were too busy, and the weeks passed and I didn’t hear from you, and the songs made me feel worse and worse until the entire album made my stomach turn inside out with uncertainty and now I can’t listen to a single song on it?

Well, I really wish I would’ve known that would happen before I bought the album.