not that it matters at this point

my skin is slick with coats of you

coats of lacquer coats of liquor

some layers blacker some layers thicker

coats of you that don’t make me bigger

they make me small, so small I can’t see

would you find me

if you looked?

I can’t remember which layers of you

you gave me and which ones I took

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she and I

I’m made up of every me
 that
I have ever been

including the one who once thought
she loved you

I hold her memories
I hold her heart
I know her sorrow, her unfiltered pain
I know the why behind every single choice
she ever made

and I see her foolishness

her stubborn trust

how she looked at you

the way she pictured us
and I can still feel
through the thrum of her heart
what it used to be like
to need you

we were once one
but we aren’t the same
so don’t be a fool and mistake my strength
for weakness

blind

to all the things that i can’t see
that i can’t know
that i’m not shown
lines and dots and spaces
endless spaces
curves and edges
all the shapes are forming words
that i can’t make out
that i don’t know how

and i hear the sounds
(the few you gave me)
turning into echoes fast
then all the echoes turning back
their sources lost then found again
(i can’t keep track)

and all the thinks and all the knows
flowing and curling and diving and rolling
shifting around all the pebbles of me
that make up the sand
that cradles the sea
so big and so deep
this unknown invisible ocean made of
you

glow

so if he offered to light up your skin

to shock your bones and make them glow

to turn you to fire and

paint you red and

rip you from cold clinging hands of the dead

and worship you in a palace of flesh

don’t tell me you wouldn’t say yes.


I mean it

It was a smile that ended the world

yours, your eyes, and the look in mine

your hand on my neck, a few spoken words

the fuse was lit and

we saw it ignite in

a blast that no one else heard.

 

The whole thing aflame from a glance and a touch

you fled as it burned while

I stood there and watched the wreckage, entranced

the flames as they danced

the beautiful chaos, the burning expanse

I stood right there and watched the world shake

and all I could see was a giant, heaping

mess of a non-mistake.

what have I done?

you tried to burn it and

burn it you did but

it didn’t disappear

it only dissipated

fire to ash, fell to the earth

but smoke to air, now it’s everywhere

you thought this was better

you thought this would work

fire to ash and smoke to air

but now it’s everywhere you look

and you can’t even see it.

I tried

you gave me a toothbrush and I promised I’d be back
it wasn’t a lie; I thought I might this time

but then I got my way
and he got in the way
and then time got away
and everything was gone and so was I

but you still check in now and then
to see if I’ll keep my promise
to hear some more of my silence
and you’ve never mentioned the toothbrush
but I wonder if it’s still there

I wonder if it’s still wet, still waiting
still dripping tiny beads of guilt, the drops
not big enough to hear from here
not loud enough, really, to make any sound at all