things i don’t tell you

my hair dried all funny and short and i boinged a fat curl. the feel of it in my fingers – the length, the release, the spring – though different, reminded me of you. yours are the only other coils i’ve ever boinged. that makes me either incredibly happy or incredibly sad, i can’t tell which. but don’t worry, i don’t think about you too much.

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not that it matters at this point

my skin is slick with coats of you

coats of lacquer coats of liquor

some layers blacker some layers thicker

coats of you that don’t make me bigger

they make me small, so small I can’t see

would you find me

if you looked?

I can’t remember which layers of you

you gave me and which ones I took

blind

to all the things that i can’t see
that i can’t know
that i’m not shown
lines and dots and spaces
endless spaces
curves and edges
all the shapes are forming words
that i can’t make out
that i don’t know how

and i hear the sounds
(the few you gave me)
turning into echoes fast
then all the echoes turning back
their sources lost then found again
(i can’t keep track)

and all the thinks and all the knows
flowing and curling and diving and rolling
shifting around all the pebbles of me
that make up the sand
that cradles the sea
so big and so deep
this unknown invisible ocean made of
you

glow

so if he offered to light up your skin

to shock your bones and make them glow

to turn you to fire and

paint you red and

rip you from cold clinging hands of the dead

and worship you in a palace of flesh

don’t tell me you wouldn’t say yes.


I mean it

It was a smile that ended the world

yours, your eyes, and the look in mine

your hand on my neck, a few spoken words

the fuse was lit and

we saw it ignite in

a blast that no one else heard.

 

The whole thing aflame from a glance and a touch

you fled as it burned while

I stood there and watched the wreckage, entranced

the flames as they danced

the beautiful chaos, the burning expanse

I stood right there and watched the world shake

and all I could see was a giant, heaping

mess of a non-mistake.

this is strength

It’s golden, this haven
I wrap it around me
it glows as it settles
it fits like it knew

the shape of your arrows
so sharp and narrow
I don’t recognize them
I poise to fight them
but this gleaming solace
will not let me go

it won’t let me send them back like I want to
(in moments of weakness I’m just like you)
it won’t send them flying back
won’t let them breed
it won’t let them pierce holes of you into me
instead it just shines, so bright that I’m blinded
and they disappear
the hate unrequited
the pain that it brings goes unfelt by me
in my golden peace
I no longer see

your poison arrows
your blackened bow
raised with intention
your precious weapon
all that you know

I pity the thoughts inside your head
that see only darkness.

so which will it be?

I soak it up now
lizard sprawled in the heat
the warmth a reminder of
how cold my bones
like shivering drums
they were, they are, they beat
loud they become when I forget
but not for long.

I fall to the rock like
gravity
without it I shake
I shiver and beat
the warmth I remember, the work and the heat
but cold asks for nothing and
doesn’t mind me. 

oh retrospect, yes, please, do come in

cold on the shore

dripping and shaking

salt in my hair and my eyes and my lungs

that was the sea

for a moment I’d swum

and you wanna know what?

it was nothing like you

nothing like floundering, drowning and blue

in a puddle.

you knew too

I hold you in my hands
  (but something about the shape)
I hold with all my might
  (it doesn’t fit, it isn’t right)

Mine because I hold
Want because I have
I try to raise you up but the weight
it’s not enough and far too much
  (but mine, but want)

I hold you in my hands
but they know
and they can’t.