not that it matters at this point

my skin is slick with coats of you

coats of lacquer coats of liquor

some layers blacker some layers thicker

coats of you that don’t make me bigger

they make me small, so small I can’t see

would you find me

if you looked?

I can’t remember which layers of you

you gave me and which ones I took

blind

to all the things that i can’t see
that i can’t know
that i’m not shown
lines and dots and spaces
endless spaces
curves and edges
all the shapes are forming words
that i can’t make out
that i don’t know how

and i hear the sounds
(the few you gave me)
turning into echoes fast
then all the echoes turning back
their sources lost then found again
(i can’t keep track)

and all the thinks and all the knows
flowing and curling and diving and rolling
shifting around all the pebbles of me
that make up the sand
that cradles this sea
so big and so deep
this unknown invisible ocean made of
you

I mean it

It was a smile that ended the world

yours, your eyes, and the look in mine

your hand on my neck, a few spoken words

the fuse was lit and

we saw it ignite in

a blast that no one else heard.

 

The whole thing aflame from a glance and a touch

you fled as it burned while

I stood there and watched the wreckage, entranced

the flames as they danced

the beautiful chaos, the burning expanse

I stood right there and watched the world shake

and all I could see was a giant, heaping

mess of a non-mistake.

what have I done?

you tried to burn it and

burn it you did but

it didn’t disappear

it only dissipated

fire to ash, fell to the earth

but smoke to air, now it’s everywhere

you thought this was better

you thought this would work

fire to ash and smoke to air

but now it’s everywhere you look

and you can’t even see it.